With heart

2010-05-24T12:55:00.002+08:00

Okay, from now on, find me here instead!
thebravehope.wordpress

Please don't kill me for shifting again, kthxbye.

2010-05-23T22:16:00.000+08:00

(Credits: filletofish.tumblr)

Real/ Make believe
Where to draw the line?

2010-05-23T14:39:00.001+08:00

"Been up all night
Staring at you
Wondering what's on your mind"
- Schuyler Fisk and Joshua Radin, Paperweight

Once again.

Wordpress beckons, but how? ):
Okay, do your work! D:

Regardless

2010-05-22T09:43:00.005+08:00

Mark 6:30-31
The apostles gathered around Jesus and reported to him all they had done and taught. Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."

(Reference: Wednesday, 19 May 2010)
The best words to start the morning. It finally became clear to me that this is my season of rest. In all areas of my life - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

So, this is what You meant. How should have been more alert/ aware. I think a part of me has been so used to doing and giving that it was quite hard for me to believe that what God asked me to do was to rest. Also, I didn't exactly grasp the aspect of how to rest. But this is good (: Better late than never. I think it's going to be exciting! :3

"I called, You answered
And You came to my rescue
And I wanna be where You are"
- Hillsong, Came To My Rescue

2010-05-21T23:01:00.007+08:00

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part"
- John Mayer, Dreaming With A Broken Heart

Not only is it lonely and broken. It hurts like a bitch. Rather reluctant to go about this weekend and proceed with the new week, which doesn't seem rather new considering it's a rather monotonous lifestyle. It feels like after everyday, a part of me dies down.

God, please re-ignite me.
"Look in the smallest places."

And... yes. Sigh.
Shit. I feel so dumb.

I have no ambition, no drive, no energy, no life, no love, no feelings, no thoughts, no words to say. Nothing left. A broken heart is an open heart.

Then I remember the ring Power Ranger sent over - "Hope".

2010-05-20T21:01:00.002+08:00

I think it's ironic how I still so strongly believe in genuine feelings, honesty and trust being poured into every relationship established considering that I'm in a course that promotes on-the-surface, touch-and-go relationships that probably won't go very far or even run very deep. People do the fast connection to "protect themselves" from being "put out there" which may in turn get you hurt and with the mentality that "you can't please everyone". Sounds silly? Is this dumb? I don't know.

One thing I'm sure of is that I love (or try to with my best capabilities) because He first loved me. And love may not build back the same amount of trust, but love gives second chances.

Change is a process that starts from the first step taken.

2010-05-20T12:26:00.003+08:00

The future is unknown and scary, yet so full of possibilities and hope.

What's your perspective? What do you choose to see?

Everything in life is a choice. What you want to do or how you choose to react or what you want to take in.

2010-05-20T10:34:00.001+08:00

(Credits: hellokismet.tumblr)

Oh really? -wiggles eyebrows-
Today, I'm silly. Don't know why either but okay! :3

2010-05-19T21:31:00.001+08:00

It doesn't seem to beat at all anymore. I don't seem to be able to feel anymore. I don't seem to know how to breathe anymore. Let's stop this all.

2010-05-19T20:28:00.006+08:00

Trust is fragile. Once broken, it's considered sold.
Don't be a stupid jackass like me. Don't be me.
All I find before me are reasons why you should never befriend someone like me. I really don't deserve anything or anyone or probably everything I have. What right do I have to deserve them in the first place?

Want to be disappear right now.

Mark 6:30-31
The apostles gathered around Jesus and reported to him all they had done and taught. Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."

God, I really need You now.

100%

2010-05-19T12:43:00.001+08:00

I feel terrible knowing that I didn't and wasn't able to give my best for what I did. I'm quite peeved about it and mad with myself. Grumpy day >:@ Plus stressed for the meeting with the Creative Director later ):

Sigh ):

In the best way I can try

2010-05-18T20:24:00.004+08:00

Life is abstract. When you think you get it, you can go one round, be back at the same spot and realize, you didn't understand it at all. I guess, this is what makes life more interesting. Or, at least, the human mind is abstract. Life is meant to be simple. Just that we complicate everything when we involve our head and our hearts. Not that it's not meant to be like that. But through everything, I guess there will be an answer if you open your eyes wide enough.

So, what's in my head today?
Oh nothing much. Just a bunch of unanswered questions which I think will remain unanswered till the time is right.

"It's a long, long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long, long journey
And I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you"
- Corrinne May, Journey

Bittersweet insecurity

2010-05-18T17:45:00.004+08:00

God, You hold my heart.

2010-05-17T19:43:00.004+08:00

So today I moved all over the place, trying to find maybe a new home for my head and more importantly, my heart. Yet something just drew me back to this spot. I think I'm comfortable here. This has become the only place where it seems alright to express myself, help me think properly and all. Maybe I should learn to be less afraid about what people will say and think. Well, leave that thought for later. I have work to do (haha). Yes, I will get started tonight. Love the new face lift this place has (:

Tomorrow I will step back and re-draw my lines.

Stretched out paperthin

2010-05-17T13:34:00.005+08:00

Restlessness shaking up my bones as a tinge of sadness and boredom hits me. Then I remind myself of the amount of work that is due soon, sigh. My eyes are slowly closing themselves as this tiredness is taking over my body. It's eating up my soul and I don't seem to be able to do anything from feeling to thinking to going about my daily activities. Just want to pack up and leave it as that. There are other issues I need to think about too. Part of me knows that they may be invalid yet it's necessary to deal with them. But then again, this is part and parcel of life. This is how you'll slowly get sucked into different things that will draw you apart. Sadly, this is not the best part of all of these things happening around. The best part is that we are actually so passive about things that we allow all these different things pull us in many different directions. At that time, where will you go?

I need to look after myself and protect what is important to me.
I may be shifting out of this place. We'll see.

2010-05-14T13:37:00.004+08:00

Romans 5:5
And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

2010-05-14T10:51:00.004+08:00

I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling right now. A bit bummed out by what's happening. School work has reached the extent of exhaustion and the best part is that not only am I not done with any of the work given, but this the beginning of everything - the whole Year 2 Semester 1. It's like I've no energy left for any other activity. Activities such as LOUD, YMTG and let's not even begin about having a life. It feels like there are loose ends hanging from all over the place. I probably need to sort things out, clear out a space to rest, breathe and think.

Whoa, whirlwind.

My head screams, "Get out!"

2010-05-14T00:36:00.003+08:00

Just want to go away. So badly.

2010-05-13T21:45:00.009+08:00

Life is open-ended, full of possibilities of how you can write it out.

Same rule still applies in my life.
Love God first, regardless. Any other things that come my way are added bonuses.

I'm actually happy just that I'm really really tired to show any emotion which makes me sad ):

Haha! Okay, this is a sign that I'm tired. I kind of really want an easy night, lying in bed talking with God and falling asleep so naturally thereafter.

Song of the moment: John Mayer, Stop This Train

2010-05-13T11:03:00.003+08:00

"Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold
Speak to me"
- All American Rejects, Move Along

2010-05-12T21:00:00.001+08:00

"Birds of passage, you and me
We fly instinctively
When the summer’s over and the dark clouds hide the sun
Neither you nor I’m to blame when all is said and done"
- Mamma Mia OST, When All Is Said And Done

Thinking things: "Courage"

2010-05-12T02:30:00.003+08:00

Personally, I feel that honest communication in any relationship builds trust and trust is essential to have better relationships. It's no easy feat but you've got to do what you've got to do if you want to preserve something that means so much to you I guess. No, it doesn't get easier after every time you've done it but it gives you satisfaction knowing that you were being true to your feelings and honest with the person, be it a friend or a life partner.

It’s good to open your mind and explore the horizons of yourself. Just be careful not to lose your heart in the process of gaining your head.

2010-05-11T09:28:00.004+08:00

This week may very well be the most exciting/ best week since school started (:
Things happening, work to do and stuff like that. But I'll keep breathing and walk through with sunshine and optimism! (:

2010-05-10T15:14:00.002+08:00

Let this heart beat again, let this life breathe again.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good"
- John Mayer, The Heart Of Life

2010-05-09T22:34:00.002+08:00

Song of the moment: John Mayer, The Heart Of Life

Got an iTouch today (: Now deciding on what to name it. And I was supposed to begin my work. Okay, I did start. But kind of gave up after one assignment. Will do it tomorrow (Heh). I want to do something different this birthday (: And I've an idea of what to do (: Teehee.

2010-05-09T17:13:00.002+08:00

There are bound to be people who are just going to be irritating you regardless of whatever happens. Sigh, it's so irritating that I'm ready to send out an angry email telling that person to speak directly to me instead of spilling his woes on his tumblr. Like, irritating much. Sigh, I don't know what to do. It just feels like I'm hindering him from his spiritual growth, which I don't like. Of course, aside from the fact that it is discouraging and hurtful. Sigh, I wish he would shut up and like think straight.

But, I feel so whatever towards this. That art of whatever, haha.

2010-05-09T16:00:00.001+08:00

Yesterday was one really really really physically tiring day but I have no regrets. It's just so great to be in the presence of God. Be it worshiping or praying or reading His word/ promises. It's great to just be with Him. And it never fails to amaze me that when God promises, He delivers (: Something I am still learning, but yeah (: Yay! Can't believe you asked me out! Can't stop smiling to myself now. Haha! So silly!
Heehee (:

2010-05-08T08:48:00.005+08:00

To stop something that has never started? Maybe. Maybe it'll be for the better.

"You can't lose what you never had"
- Westlife

A tad bit speechless and wondering why. I wonder what's running through your mind and heart.
Anyway, it's going to be a long weekend and another week ahead. Meow.

2010-05-06T22:31:00.004+08:00

Just finished watching Amelia, a movie that is based on the legendary American aviatrix, Amelia Earhart. Such a story filled with inspiration yet it ended with such a tragedy and sadness to learn that such an icon was lost in her sea of adventure. Now, Mandy Moore and Jonathan Foreman, Someday We'll Know has a new meaning to it. Especially after finding out Amelia Earhart went missing in the pursuit of her never-ending dream.

"Bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
Watched the stars crash into the sea"
- Mandy Moore and Jonathan Foreman, Someday We'll Know

2010-05-05T18:36:00.001+08:00

So many possibilities.

2010-05-05T10:58:00.013+08:00

So, I went out, worshiped, cried out to God then took in all that's around me. The clouds, the tress, the colours and all else that I could see. Then I closed my eyes. I felt myself falling. Falling into all of that serenity. But that fall turned into temptation. That temptation of falling off the building. Then I opened my eyes and said, "No, He'll look after me. He promised to calm my raging seas and angry wind and to take control of my little boat." Seeing your photos makes me smile and brightens my day.
Be aware, be conscious of His presence. But I know that it isn't the last fight yet. Imagine, if I saw you and spent the day with you (:
You saved me again. Please keep saving me when I can't save myself from me.

2010-05-05T10:27:00.002+08:00

"All that I am is in You
All that I seek is to follow You
I run to Your side when You call
There is the hope I am longing for

Just to be by your side
There is hope in my life
There is no greater freedom I’ll find

So take my life
And all that I have to give
Take my world
Just inhabit all of it
Take my dreams
Make me assuredly Yours"
- Paradise Church, Assuredly Yours

Empty me

2010-05-05T09:11:00.007+08:00

There's a silent divide we can't avoid. I need to bail out. Be invisible, not talk to anyone, think straight, run away. I don't know. I don't know. I hear a small voice telling me, "Give up." Maybe I should. Yet I'm conflicted when I remember all the other people I'm letting down. It's only Week 3.

What to do? What to do?

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things on earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace"
- Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

2010-05-05T08:34:00.002+08:00

Since the start of Year 2, I've been waking up to every morning feeling like I'm in a place I don't deserve to be in. I feel crappy about myself and the worst part of it all is that I allow my low self-image overwhelm me. As much as I try to make myself believe that it'll be okay as I head to sleep and wake up the next morning or it'll be alright when I get high, it's been difficult and not really true. Kidding yourself not only doesn't solve the issue at hand but sometimes, you'll fall twice as hard.

As I was about to leave the house, I stared right into the mirror and look directly into my eyes and it hit me. In order to start respecting others, I must first learn to respect myself. In order to start loving others, I must first learn to love myself. Not more than I love God but through God, loving me. Because one can't give out of an empty heart. Reason being, there's nothing to give.

This is my lesson. I must learn to respect and love myself. God would want that too. Not to let my insecurities write my life but let His love do the writing.

Thanks for reading this morning's post (:

BraveHope/ Faith

2010-05-04T19:44:00.004+08:00

Acts 27: 25
So keep up your courage, men, for I have faith in God that it will happen just as he told me.

I'm holding on to Your promises, learning of Your faithfulness.
I trust You God.

2010-05-04T17:18:00.004+08:00

As usual, to sleep early and forget about this, all this, especially the bad things that happened in the day. Like how I've always been dealing with the Y2S1 or actually, my whole life. I try my best.

"I'm just out to find
The better part of me"
- Five For Fighting, Superman

I hate being upset. I eat when I'm upset. Roar.

2010-05-04T15:35:00.005+08:00

It's sad to see us in the state we're in. I thought this was stronger than what is seemed to be. I guess not really after all. It seems bleak and like there's nothing I can do about anything at all. I guess I kind of expected it but just don't really want to face up to it. But then again, we all make choices. I do too. We all strive to make the right decisions. But I'm just saying, I'll be around if you still need me. I wish you were here to keep me calm. But yes, I do still look out for you (:

Funny how regardless of how much we don't want to be in this position, we find ourselves waiting till the day people realize that in most times, we're doing the same to others. I guess, I try to follow this to the best I can.

"Do unto others what you want them to do unto you."

I try. Aren't we all trying?

Put your mind to sleep and don't let it haunt you. I'll try, I'll try.

2010-05-04T12:11:00.003+08:00

"I've got time while she's got freedom
And when a heart breaks
No, it don't break even"
- The Script, Breakeven

2010-05-03T21:27:00.004+08:00

I had a fantastic but weird dream. Woke up chripy, trying to control the excessive smiling. The best part was that I felt so warm and fuzzy and the whole dream felt so real! Heehee (: Is this my sign? That things will be taken a step further between us? That I should keep waiting?
But then again, it's only a dream. A dream so filled with hope and happiness (:

"Cause she's bittersweet, she knocks me off of my feet"
- The Click Five, Just The Girl

Safe in a crazy world

2010-05-03T10:05:00.009+08:00

In desperation, I tried to call you on your house and cell. Then I realized damn it, you're not in Singapore anymore. It's not as easy. To be able to reach you, I need to make sure it's the right time over there. And it sucked. I really want you to be here. At least I know it's reaching the 6 month mark soon. 2 years, isn't that long right? Hold on till then. Miss you a lot Mel.

This morning I'm feeling better as compared to last night. Still quite dazed about the incident I guess. Spoke to a few people about it, got reassured. But nothing was better than when I sat down and worshiped and rested in God's presence. And it made me realized, I have found my safe haven, in Christ alone. All my burdens, sadness was lifted up from me and He took away that weight. It's amazing what God can do for you and how faithful He is to me, how much He loves me. And it makes me want to love Him even more. All I want to do is to stay, in His presence, makes me feel at peace and comforted. What a delight and joy to be here. I want to stay here, always. To have a deeper and stronger relationship and hunger for You. It's more difficult as I get busier and more tired. But Lord, help me remember what is #1 in my life, my first love. But the problem is still left unsolved. What to do?

My greatest delight would be that upon reaching heaven, seeing my heavenly Father, He would say, "This is my daughter, in whom I'm well-pleased."

"We look to Yahweh, Yahweh
Forever Yahweh, Yahweh"
- Hillsong, Faith + Hope + Love - Yahweh

Oh my goodness. I realized this week is going to be quite crazy. God keep me strong and help me with Your strength. Thanks (:

2010-05-02T21:42:00.005+08:00

Be brave. You're fine.
I'll try.

I so need to get high now.
I hate this feeling of despair and desolation.
My head is empty and light.
It strikes me. I want you here, so much more than before.
):

2010-05-02T21:10:00.004+08:00

Just read something that totally threw me off track. I'm really really upset and discouraged now. I'm such a donkey.

2010-05-02T20:28:00.005+08:00

My heart's cry is to be found in Your presence, held in Your embrace, lost in Your love. That's where I want to be. Help me, in every day, every minute, every moment.

The past 2 days being in Your presence has been the most rewarding and satisfying thing all week long. It's something that I want so much more. I love being with You Lord.

"Pour it out Lord
Pour out Your Spirit on me"
- Planetshakers, All For Love - Come Holy Spirit

Thinking things: "Insecurity"

2010-05-01T20:47:00.005+08:00

God just asked, "Do you love me more than you love yourself?"
Such a struggle. When He asked that, I couldn't seem to find an answer ):
Break that part of me God. That I might love you more than I'll ever love me.

Oh yes. Daddy said he's getting me an iTouch cause Blake has fallen really ill and may pass on any time soon :'( But yes. I don't know. I was psyched to hear him tell me that he's getting me one cause I have been wanting one and have intentions of saving up to get one anyway. But I don't know. I suddenly feel motivated to give my very best in everything but especially in school. You know, so I don't let him down? I've a great dad. Year 2 Semester 1, regardless, I am going to take you down, and pin you hard on the ground, conquer you such that you'll never get the chance to bite me. Can't wait for tomorrow to see you (:

2010-04-30T22:57:00.003+08:00

Today I learnt more about how I'm still living in a unjust society. It's really unfair. But then again, it doesn't mean we should compromise or be like that. As I was pondering about what to do about situations presented before me, leaving the place that, as much as I would not like it to, it may still be a pitfall for me, I cried out to God, "What do you want me to do? It's hard. I feel so weak but I so badly want to live my life for You." I can't wait to see you on Sunday. How much I want things to be so much more between us.
"Seek righteousness," He said.
"Seek me, above all else."

Today during Let Haiti Sing Again, I kept looking down at my hands. As I reached out my hands towards Him, I got the sense that He was telling me, He's reaching out too. Still reaching and always reaching out to me, to the people around me, to the nation and to the world.

As tempting as it sounds, but above all circumstances, I believe God works out for those who believes in Him. How difficult it is to live in a world with diluted morals and standards of living. But difficult doesn't mean we should be like everyone else. It will be tough, but I know my God is even tougher (:

Your faithfulness and love I can never comprehend. Thanks Amazing Grace, for saving a wretch like me. I miss you today.
(:

Thinking things: "Worth fighting for"

2010-04-29T21:44:00.007+08:00

Losing interest again.
No. I know you know how to make me smile regardless of what's happening.
Keep fighting. You have and still do.

"You left me with no love and no love to my name"
- The Script, Breakeven

What's worth fighting for?
Everyone is worth fighting for. I wish you were here.
Or is it?
Sigh.
):

2010-04-29T12:53:00.005+08:00

Sometimes, the happier I seem, the more destroyed I am inside.
What goes around, comes around.

2010-04-28T21:18:00.002+08:00

Cut me down deep. Harder, faster, better, stronger.
I want more. My mind is a pit of deep dark thoughts.
Stop it.

"In your heart in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time"
- The Calling, Wherever You Will Go

Yeah yeah yeah.

2010-04-28T15:29:00.007+08:00

My stomach is in knots. I sound like a bitch but honestly, what would anyone do if in this position? I don't know. Sigh. I guess these circumstances are good too. Then you know which relationship can withstand the stress of it all and goes beyond beneficial.

"I'm sorry, I can't be perfect."
- Simple Plan, Perfect

"Caught in a bad romance"
- Lady Gaga, Bad Romance

Reason why this is love/ hate.

tip of the iceberg/ enigma

2010-04-28T09:07:00.007+08:00

I woke up crying from a really sad dream and a terrible amount of low self-esteem issues. Sigh. Feels like a terrible day is ahead of me.

John Mayer, Daughters, Ashlee Simpson, Pieces Of Me and Ryan Cabrera, 40 Kinds Of Sadness are playing on loop.

Looking through glass. Thinking of you.
I'm tired, of this.

Just stay, here and now.

2010-04-27T16:46:00.001+08:00

Another one of those times when I don't feel like going home.

2010-04-27T09:29:00.001+08:00

Best friend's 21st birthday today.
I miss her so so much.
Have a great one babe.
Love you lots!

(:

I don't know why I'm typing like that, oh well!

2010-04-26T21:25:00.002+08:00

So, I went for my first Frisbee training in about 1 year. And honestly, I was rather scared. I want to start all over again. Not a senior who was from NPU, but a rookie wanting to learn all over again. From the passion to the energy. From the friend to the team mate. But I am really proud of NPU, as they improved from where they were to where they are now. I am impressed. I remember when I first started out last year and I saw Alfred throwing the disc in the air and it made me have this respect for him and more importantly the game. It was then that I realized how graceful Frisbee actually is and I've learnt how it is a game that is to be communicated. That's why there are teams. And it's still the same now. I enjoyed seeing Frisbees gliding through the air and the player runs forward and catches it. Takes my breath away (:

Sigh. But I'm still sorting myself out. Where to go, what to do, what my priorities are and how to manage my time. So many things. Don't really like it that I'm in such an unsure/ flimsy state. How now brown cow?

Okay, I don't know what I'm talking about already. My head hurts like crazy and it's already Day 4 ):

2010-04-26T08:59:00.003+08:00

So, I went back to sleep at 5am and woke up at 8.15am. Another 3 hours added to the sleep log. This is quite bad ):

Anyway, I can't wait for Frisbee later (: It's been a while yet I'm excited to see that disc gliding through the air. Ah, the gracefulness of that sport is something I do miss.

I need to stop putting off publicity plans for LOUDFEST too. Maybe that's why I've been stressed :S

2010-04-26T02:58:00.007+08:00

Damn it. I hate the fact that I woke up at an unearthly hour and the best thing about it all is that I can't get back to sleep. I've tried but my head hurts and I'm hungry. Well, at least I sort of ate something already but still. It's like, "Meh, what's your problem?" UGH >:@ (Hungry)
DB made me really happy today (: Questions running through my mind now :/
Well, for today, I went to NUS to study (Yes, I don't deny that I study). Tried to grasp what in the world MPR is and I ended up with my own definition of MPR (I cross-referred from Consumer PR - Y1S1 and MarComm - Y1S2). So, yeah. Got a few questions I need to ask her. Head hurts ):

I watched Beauty & The Beast again today! (: Well, half of it and I'm listening to Taylor Swift, Love Story. How Disney (:
Thinking of you makes me smile myself silly (:
Roar, I want to sleep! >:@

2010-04-24T21:20:00.004+08:00

Today there was a stirring in my soul, a quickening in my spirit. There's got to be more. A greater hunger, a greater awakening, a greater out-pouring.
Thanks God (: For being my God, my Father, my Friend. You are simply awesome. I have this weird feeling I'm not alone in this. But it could be me thinking too much ):
Physically tired, spiritually excited, mentally hurting, emotionally yearning.
Have been having constant headaches. Dehydrated? Ill? ):

"Your eyes are the brightest of all the colours"
- Boys Like Girls, Thunder

(: Still, I can't take my eyes off you.

2010-04-23T23:13:00.007+08:00

I cried myself a flu.
Actually, I didn't. I cried and I've the flu. It's two separate issues.

I'm thinking and there are many things contributing to everything (Haha, how vaguely ambiguous) so much so I can't really point my finger and say which one it is exactly. But one thing I'm clear about is that I feel like this the start of something, a journey that God wants to take me through to somewhere else. To grow stronger, see more, feel more, pray more, have more faith, hope and love. This was what God kind of told me just now while I was praying. CG today was spent thinking. I will post about that soon, maybe Sunday when I have more time? Such a joke considering I don't think I know when I'll have more time.

"P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face"
- Lady Gaga, Poker Face

I love my purple chick (: I saw DB today (: Heehee!

2010-04-22T21:44:00.004+08:00

Today was both bad and good (in chronological order). Went to class, bright and chirpy, ready to take on the day, say hi to my classmates and got told by my teacher to shut up. Well, she put it nicely but still. Not the way I would have liked to start by day or learning journey with her. After that incident, no one wanted to talk and she thought we just weren't interested, which baffles me and makes me laugh. Then she tried to make up by being chummy with us. Hm. I forgot, I was learning about Public Relations. I think I still can't come to terms with learning Public Relations this semester. There are so many things on my mind. There are so many things I need to do too. But my head hurts and I can't take anything for the day/ week. But Corporate Public Relations is rather interesting. Story of my life.

But the good thing about today was that a few of us who decided to randomly have lunch ended up talking nicely and honestly. I like it when we are all open and have no false identities or something. So the bad day, turned out okay, turned out good.

"Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete"
- Lifehouse, Hanging By A Moment

2010-04-21T18:33:00.007+08:00

School is screwing up my mind big time. I come out of class today learning that people make friends with you to make use of you and you should do the same back. Seriously, who are all these people? I feel so beaten down by everything now. I don't have any spirit of survival within me. Project work is going to start coming in and I really don't care anymore. Every time during a lesson (or at least hers) I feel like I'm being forcefully pulled out of my bubble, with a gun to my head and forcing me to gorge down harsh and disgusting facts about society and reality that I choose not to believe in. Why is it so hard? They say, "That's the world for you." But why have we become like maniacs wanting a piece of each other? What happened to hope and optimism? It feels like a war zone. I feel the need to numb my mind and heart as I step forth into this battle field. All this frustration and despair in me. Oh dear.

"You alone are my strength my shield
To You alone may my spirit yield"
- As The Deer

Please save me. Please don't turn away. Please don't let me be insane.
Please.

2010-04-21T15:23:00.004+08:00

This is the beginning of the journey whereby I realize how much PR can screw up your mind.
I think I need to start going through my work tonight if I intend to survive Year 2 Semester 1. Hard and consistent work.

"Tough times don't last. Tough men do."

I feel like a ninja (;

2010-04-21T12:13:00.006+08:00

"Say, what's your name, what you drinking
I think I know what you're thinking
Baby what's your sign, tell me yours, I'll tell you mine
Say, what's somebody like you doing in a place like this?"
- Timbaland featuring Katy Perry, If We Ever Meet Again

Songs of the moment:
Timbaland featuring Katy Perry, If We Ever Meet Again and All-American Rejects, I Wanna. It speaks of what I have no courage to say. You keep running through my mind but it perks up my day in a weird way (:
Such a random pairing and I still feel so passive about things, but not like that's bad or good. Heehee!

2010-04-21T10:57:00.007+08:00

"But can you hear me say?
Don’t throw me away"
- All-American Rejects, I Wanna

I suddenly feel the pressure of things happening around. I need to get my game back on., get on top of things instead of getting swept down. At least by the weekend, I need to be ready for anything and everything.

Philippians 4:13
I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

I need a little crazy random thing to do.

2010-04-20T21:26:00.006+08:00

It makes me go a little crazy. Then I keep spinning around till everything won't stop. This is my sign to take a left and go to dreamland. I wish you would come by, hug me and keep me calm and safe. But like that's going to happen.
):

2010-04-20T20:47:00.005+08:00

I think I forgot how dramatic my life can be. Woe. First day back at school was not that bad neither was it good. Something feels different. Tired though. Mad tired. I'm glad I went to stop by CC to meet Iffah and chit-chat. Needed that a lot. Miss her being around. Miss Mel being around. Ah, life.

Went by the Frisbee booth as well. And I have to admit, I do miss the team and the sport. But I don't think I may go back due to time constraints. I don't know. NPU also sort of reminds me of things that I don't want to be involved in and it kind of turns me off a bit. As much as most of it is settled (I think). Wahlau, Alfred said something and it makes me want to cry :'(

I don't know, I feel so old, introverted and anti-social. Am I doing something wrong? I somehow feel like I missing out a lot in my life by not taking risks, chances or being young or something like that. Like you and how we could be so much more?
):

Somehow and as always

2010-04-19T20:16:00.008+08:00

I've been thinking, maybe I should go back to Livejournal. Just for the fact that I can custom lock my posts.

I painted my nails and now they have gold stars on them like how Rachel Berry puts a gold star at the end of her name. Just that mine doesn't represent anything and is there for amusement. I hope they don't fall off or something! :/ I can't head you out of my head.
Okay, that may have come off weird.

I don't know why I'm posting so much. Bored? Actually, as much as I haven't been doing much/ don't do much, my life is not that bad. In my perspective at least. Yes, boring at times but I mean, I have things to talk about, think about, pray about, etc. Of course, sometimes my mind would end up thinking of how we could be and as weird as it sounds, it looked quite positive (:
Life's good (:

Tomorrow I'll wake up to a new day, look at it straight in the face, breathe and begin one consuming cycle called school. Yet I will look forward to it cause You will find a way to bring out the best in all things (: As always (: Thanks for being there (:

It will be good (: I know it will (:

2010-04-19T16:41:00.007+08:00

Hello (:

Okay. So thing is that I was dying from cramps and resting in bed till I heard crazy shouting coming from downstairs. As I wondered who decided to bring the protesters from Bangkok into my home and dragged my partially tormented body down to check things out, I realized it wasn’t a bunch of monkeys that have been let loose, just 2 old ladies who came to visit my grandmother. And I realized, you can’t be serious. 2 old ladies can make more noise than 60+ youths aged 13-18?! Shame on us! And we’re supposed to be young!

Anyway, just here to say, I love purple. Actually I'm here to say I think I like you more than you know it.
(:

2010-04-19T09:08:00.003+08:00

As much as I would like to deny it, Year 2 has managed to make its way down my alley. I'm so not ready for this. I mean, before it even begins, I'm thinking when can I have a break? ): Let's roll people.

I had a weird daydream. Weird but relieving and happy? Huh? I don't know what I'm saying.

Learning to love and trust God. Back to Step 1.

2010-04-18T17:24:00.004+08:00

Lesson learnt today is that I am not responsible for anyone's relationship with God except for mine. Maybe I need to be more firm in enforcing this (if it even can be enforced). Okay, well, not more firm but more aware that as much as I would like to deny it, there's really nothing I can do in some instances. I won't always be around to sound you/ anyone out. I won't always be there to give advice. I won't always be able to give good advice. So form your own convictions and live by it. I'm not you. I can never decide in any way how you should live your life. At the end of the day, we are all just accountable to God.

And yes, I don't like having people whom I am no close to or sometimes, even those I'm closer to touching me. It's my pet peeve. I'm just uncomfortable with people touching me or being in an extremely close proximity to me for a period of time. Hence, no massages and no crowded trains or lifts unless absolutely necessary.

I think I've been home (hence anti-social) too much. I can't even string together proper sentences without pausing. It's like I'm constantly drunk on alcohol, slurring my way through conversations and life. What's up with that? I need school and to start speaking properly.

2010-04-18T06:37:00.005+08:00

"Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair"
- Train, Drops Of Jupiter

It's 6:37am and I'm awake because I'm awake.
Good morning to the lovely birds that have already spread their wings to fly. Good morning to the sky that is void of much light. Good morning to another new day God has presented before me.

This is the last Sunday before the start of Year 2. Meow.

Today will be a good day. Or will it? And school will be awesome cause there is Ernest, Mel, Nina, Glennice, Crystal, Kasey, Kelvin and the bunch of them. Or will it?

2010-04-17T22:00:00.002+08:00

Honestly, it's not more of the pain or sadness. It's a sense of numbness that runs through me when I think of it. It's like I cease to function the moment I start thinking about it. I'm not trying to avoid anything or whatsoever. I just can't find any clear answer, which somewhat annoys me. I just want to know, regardless of it being good or bad.

No strings attached

2010-04-17T21:10:00.004+08:00

"There's so much more than this"
- Hillsong, Tear Down The Walls - Tear Down The Walls

Today, something amazing happened. It was like the drizzle that came after a long season of drought. I want more. Send more God, send more.

2010-04-17T08:39:00.004+08:00

Partial ranting and mindless talk:
Well, it's a sunny Saturday morning and thankfully it is not as warm as the mid-day sun. A great time to stay in bed and sleep. Stayed home last night to recover from the over-whelming sense of tiredness that has been plaguing me. I slept for a good 14 hours yesterday and I still can't get my system up and running without caffeine. Meh. This is bad and school starts Tuesday. I just don't really feel like going down to church as much as Pastor Adrian is speaking today, I have to give announcements today and I'm on ushering duty tomorrow. I mean, what's up with that? Being the responsible person doesn't even cut it for dragging me to church and doing what needs to be done. Okay, it does but it doesn't do much.

Had a meeting on Thursday and let's just say that there were many more people than I had remembered. Talked to a few people and sadly, the conversations just died off quite quickly. I'm surprised at how much more anti-social/ introverted I am. I guess I don't want to keep entertaining people and wow, I just realized I'll have a good semester worth of that coming my way starting Tuesday. How's your youth group? What's the size of your youth group and etc. Hm, still don't really want to talk to people. I just want to hide my face under my pillow, cover up and sleep.

(Credits: idontdoodle.tumblr)

My sentiments exactly.
Back to Glee and Kevin McHale.

2010-04-16T20:27:00.001+08:00

“It was a dream, not a nightmare, a beautiful dream I could never imagine in a thousand nods. There was a girl next to me who wasn’t beautiful until she smiled and I felt that smile come at me in heat waves following, soaking through my body and out my fingertips in shafts of colour and I knew that somewhere in the world, somewhere, there was love for me.”
- Basketball Diaries

2010-04-15T21:43:00.001+08:00

"Love is an ocean wide enough to forget
Even when we think we can't"
- The Afters, Never Going Back To OK - Ocean Wide

2010-04-15T17:23:00.003+08:00

I got my first CD by The Afters, Never Going Back To OK (: Love the song Ocean Wide (:
I'm a happy girl despite my eyes burning like crazy.

(:

2010-04-14T17:41:00.001+08:00

My body is torturing me ):
Meow.

Thinking things: "One missing sheep."

2010-04-13T21:21:00.004+08:00

Luke 15:1-7 talks about how the shepherd leaves his 99 sheep to go look for the 1 sheep. People have preached about this message before but it never hit me like it did today. The purpose of any shepherd (or any good shepherd) is to lead and love the sheep. And the role of the sheep is follow the shepherd (in that sense).

Anyway, as he leads the sheep, the sheep will... follow him! Okay, no surprise. But as the shepherd leaves the flock to go look for the 1 missing sheep, the sheep would continue to follow Him because He is still their shepherd! So likewise, as Christ is the shepherd and goes out searching for that 1 missing sheep, we, as the body of Christ/ flock of sheep, would also follow Him.

Hence, searching together as a body and reaching that 1 missing sheep!

2010-04-13T17:45:00.003+08:00

Renewing my covenant and restoring the temple.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

2010-04-12T21:56:00.003+08:00

Sigh, I wish people would get over the Mandy thing. Can't people wait till December till they/ we all start raving about it? We still have a good 7 to 8 months before the opening of the production. I don't think I can handle the limelight/ entertain people for that long. I just wanted to be of help to whoever needed it and if not, just a wall flower would have sufficed. Since I'm in it, better put the best of me in it. For God.

Just stop asking so much and let life carry on already.

2010-04-12T20:15:00.003+08:00

I need to stop getting distracted but sometimes, I can't help it. Sometimes I wish I dared to move.
):

Meow.

New image

2010-04-12T09:46:00.005+08:00

So much of my old nature has been coming back recently. All the crude words, mean jokes, easily irritated/ angry side was just slowly moving back into my life. Not proud of it at all but I couldn't be bothered to deal with it.

Today, as I prayed and spent time with God, I decided that I would leave behind my old image and walk in the new light God has given to me. It's not so much about where I am, what has happened to me but who God is and what He can do in my life and my world. It's going to take a lot of God's strength and a conscious effort to surrender but I believe my God s far greater than anything and He has set me free, so I shall be free indeed! (: He reminded me about how life is a process and how faith starts with a decision and is followed through by actions. As much as it was from a rather unexpected place (to me at least).

1 Corinthians 1:2-4
To the church of God in Corinth, to those sanctified in Christ Jesus and called to be holy, together with all those everywhere who call on the name of our Lord Jesus Christ - their Lord and ours.

1. "sanctified":
It is only by grace.
2. "called to be holy":
It's a choice made to live right.
3. "call on the name of our Lord Jesus Christ":
It's a choice made to surrender and yield.

1 Corinthians 1:8
He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.

May I begin and continue to dwell in Your presence and may it be evident and surreal in my life that You are my God, my only one.

"When I look into Your holiness
When I gaze into Your loveliness
When all things that surround
Become shadows in the light of You

When I've found the joy of reaching Your heart
When my will becomes enthralled in Your love
When all things that surround
Become shadows in the light of You

I worship You, I worship You
The reason I live is to worship You
I worship You, I worship You
The reason I live is to worship You"

Amazing song that speaks what is in my heart.
Sync my heart with Yours, let me beat Your heartbeat.

2010-04-11T22:50:00.003+08:00

Owl City, Fireflies on loop.

Tired eyes, go sleep.

"Decisions sometimes prove to be the hardest to make, especially when it's a choice between where you should be and where you really want to be."

2010-04-11T21:32:00.003+08:00

Acts 17:24-28
"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he need anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being.' As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.'

Today, God told me to go back and do some self-reflection/ soul-searching. And I'm praying that He guides me through it. Okay, dropping all unnecessary appointments for at least the beginning of this week to have a good time with God.

Refresh my soul O God. Bring me back to You.

2010-04-10T10:37:00.002+08:00

"I've been roaming around
Always looking down at all I see"
- Kings Of Leon, Use Somebody

The bitter cold

2010-04-08T22:14:00.003+08:00

Everything feels like nothing.

Had a weird dream that I had to go overseas to study.

2010-04-08T10:43:00.002+08:00

Oh my goodness. I'm Mandy. It feels like depression knocking on my door. Not that being Mandy is bad. I just have a problem with thinking too much and letting the character grow on me.

2010-04-07T21:51:00.002+08:00

There are so many things running everywhere. So many questions unanswered. I don't even know where to begin. Heck, I don't think I want to begin. This is possibly the worst week of the holidays.

Damn it, publicity video needs to be out by tomorrow 4pm.

Emptied and washed ashore

2010-04-06T21:38:00.003+08:00

I want to hear nothing but You.
I want to see nothing but You.
I want nothing but You.

Bend me, break me, mold me, make me.

2010-04-06T20:24:00.004+08:00

I have half the mind to go acoustic this Saturday. It's kind of frustrating for something that is supposed to be magical for someone else. I need to think through the band and the worship set again. It takes time and it's not easy. -knocks head into the wall- Sometimes, I wonder if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I am where I am. I guess with blockages, I know that there probably is something great God wants to do and He's calling me to step forward, taking that first step of faith toward Him.

Be free and jump forth.
Yet I'm dragging my feet.

Anyway,

I can't be whole on my own and I will never be whole on my own.

"Life without Jesus is like a donut
Like a donut, like a donut
Life without Jesus is like a donut
Cause there's a hole in the middle of your heart"
- Donut Man, Life Without Jesus

I dare you to live and have fun with it.

2010-04-06T09:49:00.003+08:00

Take some time off in your head, jump off the edge and into a pile of fairy dust.

"I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading"
- Taylor Swift, Love Story

How apt. Meow.

2010-04-06T07:48:00.000+08:00

Heaven Can Wait

We The Kings | MySpace Music Videos
- We The Kings, Heaven Can Wait

2010-04-05T16:18:00.005+08:00

So, I finished enrolling for Y2S1 and the timetable looks rather bad ): Tuesdays & Wednesdays are full days ): At least I don't have to go all over the place for class considering that they are subjected to Block 56, Block 50 and Block 5. And it brings me back to the point that school is starting in 2 weeks. Kind of reluctant yet excited. Reluctant because I know I have wasted a good 2 months doing pretty much nothing. Excited because this semester we'll be focusing on PR, I get to see my friends, do something and it means I'm one step closer to Brisbane in September. But for the meantime, can't something exciting happen in my life?

Anyway, here's the timetable.

With a gust of wind and a blink of an eye, she was gone.

"Jealousy, turn these saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I'm Mr. Brightside"
- The Killers, Mr. Brightside

2010-04-05T11:04:00.002+08:00

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe there is something happening.
Continue praying, having hope and keeping the faith.

2010-04-04T21:17:00.006+08:00

"Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer"
- Boys Like Girls, Thunder

I need and I must. And it'll be super fantastic if it poured everyday for this whole week. Leading worship this Saturday. God, help me.

Wear a smile and fool the world

2010-04-03T20:09:00.002+08:00

Enough?

2010-04-03T09:23:00.003+08:00

I realized that I'm quite stupid.

2010-04-02T23:50:00.001+08:00

"Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel"
- Christina Aguilera, Reflections

2010-04-02T09:33:00.004+08:00

I was on drugs and don't remember why I was who I was last night.
Throat's not getting any better. In fact, it's being really annoying! >:@

"Star light, star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight"
- Mother Goose

But it's not night ): Will 11:11 do?

Kudos to Kristel, Bieber is stuck in my head ):

"There's gonna be one less lonely girl"
- Justin Bieber, One Less Lonely Girl

2010-04-01T19:14:00.004+08:00

Today, when the monthly bell chimed, I jumped and nearly dropped the things I was holding. And it just hit me 5 seconds ago that it's already April. Oh my goodness. What a good way to waste my holidays doing nothing much. Good job.

It's April.

2010-04-01T13:30:00.004+08:00

Well, the room is more empty and it has moved from messy mess to organized mess so that's good (: As much as I still have things thrown all over the floor and on the bed.

It feels strange.
I feel strange.
Definitely falling ill ):