With heart

I'm afraid that I'm listening to sweet words that don't cost a thing. I'm afraid of disappointing people. I'm afraid I don't mean anything. I'm afraid I am not doing enough. I'm afraid I'm not one bit important to anyone. I'm afraid I'm not a good role model for my Youths. I'm afraid that I'm letting myself go further down under. I'm afraid I really lost all drive for school. I don't know how this fear in me came about. I don't have any way of explaining this feeling, or even explaining myself. In moments like these, I will stand up against my insecurities and remind myself that God sees me past my imperfections. This time, even after saying the same line, it seems that my insecurities have gotten the better of me. It's disgustingly horrible.

I am not interested in what I'm doing anymore. For friends, for others. I'm just going to silently get by this semester and become the wall flower I've wanted to be for next semester. I had never expected and wanted work to spoil any relationships forged at the start of Year 1 or in anywhere else. But it may have just proven me wrong. I think I may have sub-consciously adopted my "Get this phase of life over and done with as soon as possible." mentality or even the "whatever" attitude towards things. It's like being retained all over again. But I guess there's nothing wrong or bad adopting this attitude/ mentality. I mean, then I won't be in any way involved in all the competition. Keeping my highly opinionated views to myself and remaining silent in the midst of the chaos. Get caught in the eye of the storm (if I've used the saying properly).

Honestly, I just want to live my days making people happy. But Polytechnic has been telling me that you should and must fight for yourself and your rights. It's what you deserve. Of course, it's cause I wanted to redeem myself to those whom I've disappointed. Show them that I actually can do it. And that's exactly what happened. I got myself caught up in the rat race. Now, I'm reminded that I don't deserve anything and it got me questioning, is there really anything worth fighting for? So what now? Stop fighting and disappoint people? Let them have low/ no expectations of me so that they won't feel even more disappointed to see me like this.

"This is my Father's world
O let me ne'er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong
God is the ruler yet
This is my Father's world
Why sould my heart be sad?
The Lord is King
Let the heavens ring
God reigns, let the earth be glad"
- This Is My Father's World

And this is what I skipped school for, to make sense of what is happening around me. Which I think didn't help. But being in school would have probably been worse.

After reading through this, I realized, I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. Probably a reason why I never have ben able to express myself. I'm such an emotional creature.

"Your mercy found me
Upon the broken road
And lifted me beyond my failing
Into Your glory
My sin and shame dissolved
Now forever Yours I'll stand"
- Hillsong, Where The Love Lasts Forever